Let’s Talk.  

What makes you a good person?  

How do you know you are a good person?  Is it something you do or say?  Does it come from a lot of social media followers?  Does it come from getting a lot accomplished in a day?  Does it come from being nice?  Is it important to know you are good? I know, big philosophical questions. 

Showing off our goodness, or virtue signaling, is a thing now that many Americans are facing racism for the first time.  We want to be “seen” as good. Good has different definitions cross-culturally.  Here is the challenge: if we need to be “good” the parts of us that are “not good” go underground - we hide them from others and ourselves.  Sadly, we are prone to finding a group of people to hold our “not good” parts for us.  

I learned a lot about this sitting and listening on sidewalks and doing therapy work.  This split between good and bad already creates a sense that who we are as people can be reduced into these simple judgments - we do it to ourselves and to other people. He is good. She is bad.  They are definitely bad. Etc.  

Racism and then a whole host of prejudices against people living on the streets, addicts etc. are places we inadvertently and “unconsciously” place the “not good bits” of ourselves.  Anyone that is different is usually a host for our shadow.

Greatness or [goodness] is "The ability to examine and question oneself and develop a sensitivity that attunes one to ones lack at any given time or any given circumstance such that one can transform oneself and help others to transform.” Zhen Doa

When we block knowing about parts of who we are, the bad parts, if you will, we also block connection.  We harm.  It is easy to justify mistreating someone if we see them as bad and ourselves as good.  Or even if we see ourselves as bad and them only as good.  Same split, and same impact.  Connection is blocked.  Sidewalk Talk’s mission is creating a healthy society through connection.  Hard to do when we are strangers to ourselves.

If we can’t make friends with all the parts of who we are we cannot come to conversations with humility, curiosity, or the desire to truly see another person.  Instead, we come to conversations with the need to be seen or with judgment.  We want to be seen as “good” and often that means “right”.  

These good/bad kinds of relationships fuel our deep loneliness because they never quite scratch that itch for connecting.  We are too busy stuck in that good/bad binary for the connection to really quench the thirst of our hearts.  It is false connecting.  

Here is the good news! The groundswell of growing consciousness about racism in America is unearthing shadow of all kinds - hidden away for far too long. With this comes a new possibility for a healthier society where redemption and true connection is taking shape.  

Redemption and reconciliation are hard though.  It takes a radical softening of heart and radical resilience.  It takes the total abandonment of assumptions and coming to dialogue so present and open that we are each willing to let go of being right, being good, or being virtuous.    

I am hopeful but not blind to the effort required.  Owning shadow work is some seriously hard stuff.  I often have folks want to join Sidewalk Talk and they say “I am a therapist or coach so I don’t need to pay to take a listener training.  I am already a good listener.”  There is shadow in that lack of humility.

The technique of listening gets you part way there to true connecting on a sidewalk.  The embodiment of a humble, curious, assumption-free heart is a practice that we take up with earnestness. Not surprisingly, folks without much mental health training are better at this kind of listening than therapists.  Tune in next week on the podcast when we will talk more about this.

I want to acknowledge it is PRIDE month and I want to amplify this powerful powerful dialogue by Zhen Dao, from the MogaDao Institute who speaks openly about gender identity in her long career.  In this video she specifically addresses our need for a deeper spiritual kind of shame that gets us out of “virtue signaling” and is totally not the humiliation or shaming of “calling out” but something deeper.  

You may not agree with everything she says.  But this is another diverse voice we can amplify and practice listening using Sidewalk Talk-style listening.  Let’s honor ZhenDao’s words, embody your own feelings, assumptions check, and receive her words and reflect back what you hear her say.  

May we all know our shadows and light with great love and humility so we can deeply resile and reconcile. 

This Friday night, join us for Facebook FRIDAY LIVE which will now come to you the last Friday of every month. This month CEO and Founder of Daily Haloha, Amy Giddon, will join us to share a novel approach to digital empathy. Daily Haloha is digital place to create connection without ‘virtue signaling’ or doing this “good / bad “ thing we talk about in this week’s blog post. As we try to find more novel ways to connect we are excited to bring Daily Haloha and Amy Giddon to you to give you another fun way to stay connected.

When: This Friday, June 26th 1PM PT / 4PM ET / 9PM London Time / 10PM German Time. 

Where: Facebook LIVE