Active listening alone cannot bring about real connection.

I am a couples therapist, as you know by now.  I spend a LOT of time encouraging active listening and empathy between spouses.  Important work, slowing the pace down of a heated fight using reflection and mirroring.  That slowing down, can, but not always, open heated arguers up to a larger perspective and even empathy for the person they are arguing with.  It is beautiful, when it works.

Active listening alone, cannot bring about real connection.

This makes me think of this co worker I had some years ago.  She was absolutely brilliant at active listening.  Weirdly, I never felt connected to her.  It was flat, and vacant.  She was kind of judgy.  And whenever something uncomfortable happened she would do the jilted active listening or disappear altogether. It was a technique she used to protect herself from getting too close.  Not to get closer.

Some people use active listening and mirroring to avoid connection.  

"How is this even possible?" you might ask.  Here is the big scoop.  You ready? Connection is about how you, as the listener, show up to the dialogue - not how well you mirror.  Nor is connection about how vulnerable, personal, or deep the talker goes. You heard Dr. Rosmann and I talk about this on this week’s podcast.  

So what are we actually to be doing, then, if we are not just “reflecting”, “mirroring”, and “active” listening?

1.  Come with open curiosity and total surrender of all opinions or contributions to the conversation. 
2. Live in the land of faith and trust that in this curious place of surrender, profound and soulful connection can emerge. Trust it.  Believe it.  Wait for it.   

That's right.  I did just say faith and trust must accompany our very deep surrender and open curiosity.

I knew this in my bones from listening on the sidewalk but when Dr. Rosmann and I spoke, she put words to it and my heart beamed.  And being the visual thinker that I am, I drew us all some pictures.

May we all keep opening up in our connections and have faith in the soulfulness that can emerge and profoundly alter our world for the better!