Will You Please Stay Here With Me in the “Not Knowing”?
I am up early. This is unusual for me these days. I am reading Arnie Mindell as deep democracy work is exciting me a lot. I strive to be a human that lives the values of deep democracy - a welcoming of all parts in a playful way. It is work predicated on staying in the “not knowing” and being with our experience without judgment. Deep democracy is about “inner listening” to the process of a person, a group, an organization, and the world. By “not knowing” we can really hear what is happening inside and between people to welcome in heartfelt change.
When “facts” become more important than feelings and dreams, we get bored, don’t vote, won’t go to meetings, avoid relationship problems, and become disinterested in public life.
Open Forums [are a] special combination of inner and outer “awareness work.”
Most people avoid group tensions. In fact, the greatest world war may well be conflict with conflict.
By focusing on the subtlest signals indicating the onset of emotions such as fear, anger, hopelessness and other altered states of consciousness…impossible problems transform into enriching community experiences.
- The Deep Democracy of Open Forums, Arnie Mindell
As I read these words, a longing grips at my chest and my breath hitches. The thirst for ‘not knowing’ is palpable. I called friends last week. I was anxious. I needed support. Two friends gave me advice. They couldn’t be with me. It felt lonely to be met with a staccato “here is how to solve your problem”. I felt really disappointed. And, happily, I leaned into “space holders” who trusted and made space for the deeper wisdom in my feelings and hung out with me there without judgment.
I get why it is hard to stay and listen to people. We suck at being with feelings. Psychotherapy and coaching, in many modes, still has a lot of “get over it” or “grow already” built in. But the space of not knowing is a space of deep welcoming to the aliveness, play, love, and wonder in those feelings and I have been dipping my toes in these waters more and more and finding incredible delight there.
It is worth it to learn how to tolerate the electricity of our emotions and dance with them.
Something is shifting in my own life and how I work, in a large part because of Sidewalk Talk. There is a space we rarely enter because it terrifies us: the space of surrendered ‘not knowing’ and meeting what arises in the present moment with a playful curiosity. I want to meet my anxiety, anger, or fear and yours like a samba, “Grab my hand, turn up the music, and let’s wiggle our hips!” I am learning to dance with every belief, feeling, judgment, and even the conflict of political conversations.
“Disturbing emotions do not have to be excluded; they can be doorways into an aliveness that is as vivid as a moment of spontaneous laughter, or irritation. By learning to be with these emotions in a new way, we can, in fact, energize our lives and enrich our personal relationships. They give us access to ourselves, precisely because they challenge our attempts to keep ourselves together.”
We don’t know how to hear the spontaneous music of living anymore because we are too busy “needing to know” and only playing songs that are already written. When we do hear a spontaneous song, we often don’t like the sound or we don’t have the ears or the capacity to dance to this ‘going on being’ music.
Yesterday my mind wanted control over my experience. It wanted a guarantee. I was getting really fatigued by quarantine. “How long is this feeling going to last and how can I change it?”, I wondered. But then my neighbor walked by with her new puppy, Amy, we chatted at a distance (in German) as Amy bounced around and licked my hands. They helped me dance to the music again.
Come play with us! After this year, we all could use some time to let our hair down!
We will have a fun curated way to connect at group tables, connect one on one, a story telling jam, and a festooned ‘hat contest’ with prizes.
FREE to attend. RSVP Here.
Last night, Lorraine, Loreice, and I, from the Naked 3, decided we needed to connect but didn’t want to do it on air. We gabbed for two hours, giggling, talking about all the things, just being girlfriends sharing our lives, nibbling on food, and the conversation was a dance of ‘not knowing’. More music. And the non-agenda, the ample time to meander wherever, and the trust and safety allowed all parts of our experience to feel welcome. That was some delicious samba dancing with the “not knowing”.
One thing we need to get straight, ‘not knowing’ isn’t a flakey cancellation of our devotion to the things that matter. You can be in “not knowing” and still have scheduled time to complete stuff. You can still have boundaries. Welcoming ‘not knowing’ is a kind of listening more receptively and with a vibe of "welcome everything” while doing the living of life.
As I work with therapy clients longer, I am more and more comfortable not knowing. Sure, sometimes I need to impose structure, and do often, because it is like a swaddle, keeping that client (and me) feeling secure. But even with a tight swaddle, clients can feel viscerally I welcome all of them without judgment. Mostly it is in the ‘not knowing’ and dancing with clients to all the notes of their song where big shifts happen, anyway. Rarely do the big changes come from my directions or advice.
Welcoming all of a person is the foundation of belonging and well being. Welcoming all of a person is how we stem the tide of loneliness too. Welcoming all of a person requires “not knowing”.
What do you need to cultivate to ‘not know’ and dance to all the notes your feelings, your relationships, your beliefs generate?
As we move into winter, I want to offer you this: You are not alone.
You may feel the notes of aloneness or even loneliness. Dance. Dance with them, and dance with us, here at Sidewalk Talk. We are here together, listening, rolling out the welcome matt to you and your music, and having a big party together listening to the magical music of ‘not knowing’ that welcomes all people and all feelings. Even if we are not near, we are still listening from afar to the beautiful sounds of our collective music.
For fun, I made this playlist for you that is kind of a mash up of international notes. Maybe it will bring comfort if you know that 8500 other listeners around the world are listening and dancing to these songs alongside you.
