The 3 Flows of Compassion with Dr. Stan Steindl

Podcast

Sep 20

Dr. Stan Steindl brings a fresh take to compassion in this week’s Sidewalk Talk conversation. Stan’s a clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience as a therapist, trainer and researcher, and he’s also an adjunct associate professor at the School of Psychology at the University of Queensland, Australia. Last year, Stan published his first book: The Gifts of Compassion.

Stan and Traci explore the 3 flows of compassion, bringing a new light to a timeless topic. If you’ve ever been curious about what compassion truly is, how to cultivate more of it in your life, and why it can be so damn tricky to receive… Stan brings some fascinating ideas and practical ways of incorporating compassion into your daily life.

Episode Timeline

[00:09] Intro
[00:57] Meet Stan
[5:31] What do we mean by compassion and how is it different from empathy?
[8:55] The relationship between compassion and suffering
[11:23] The paradox of helping
[15:21] The art of good listening
[18:10] The yin and yang of compassion
[20:11] Compassion Focused Therapy and understanding our flight, fight and freeze responses
[25:21] Coping with “clincher” moments of overwhelm
[29:21] The 3 Flows of Compassion
[31:59] The double bind of receiving compassion
[37:02] Self Compassion and opening ourselves up to receiving compassion
[39:28] The differences between Compassion Focus Therapy versus more cognitively or behavior-driven therapies
[43:08] Stan’s words to the Sidewalk Talk volunteers (a fascinating perspective on the flow of compassion)
[45:31] Closing
[46:15] Outro

Resources Mentioned

The Gifts of Compassion (Stan’s book)

Standout Quotes

“Compassion Focused Therapy is really a way to connect people again to that innate compassionate motivation, not only compassion towards others, but as you know, we really think about the three flows of compassion.” (Stan)
“Compassion is a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a motivation to try to alleviate and prevent that suffering.” (Stan)
“We know that listening is a powerful act of compassion, to feel heard and to feel understood and to experience perhaps the empathy or validation or respect or honoring from another person.” (Stan)
“Sometimes knowing what's best for someone is kind of a near enemy of compassion, actually.” (Stan)
“It's not really in the getting of the permission... It's in the asking. When you ask for the permission, it just expresses something, it expresses respect and it expresses an acceptance of them and an honoring of their point of view.” (Stan)
“Good listening is just asking, not telling.” (Stan)
“On the one hand, especially if someone's experienced trauma or they feel certain shame, or they have shame experiences that involved other people or that sort of thing, the one thing that they desperately really want or need is connection and closeness and care. But the one thing that they're terrified of and really unable to engage with is connection, closeness or care. And so there's this terrible double bind, I think, that can sort of emerge there for people when they've experienced trauma or shame or really difficult, especially difficult early life experiences.” (Stan)
“I think where Compassion Focus Therapy comes in is that it just warms things up a little bit. It just brings in the warmth, the kindness, the care, as well as the wisdom and the courage and the strength.” (Stan)