The Sixth Stage of Grief | David Kessler
The path to navigating loss and grief, became illuminated when David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote On Grief and Grieving, giving us the five stages of grief most of us are familiar with. Today, he expands and recenters this renowned concept with the release of his new work, Finding Meaning.
David sits down with Traci and talks about his journey to the field of thanatology. He shares how the loss of his mother as a child and the sudden death of his 21-year-old son have shaped his life and the way he continues through the world. They explore how we can best support those in our lives that are experiencing grief while ensuring our own well being. Learn the impact finding meaning can have on what remains after collective loss, the end of a relationship or the loss of a loved one.
Episode Timeline:
[00:09] Intro
[00:58] Meet David Kessler
[02:05] How he became a thanatologist.
[03:19] Resisting his calling and finding what he was meant to do
[03:55] Working with Elisabeth Kubler Ross on the five stages of grief
[06:14] The need to update the stages
[08:43] Honoring loved ones through finding meaning
[09:46] Becoming dedicated to grief.
[12:58] The distinction between pain and suffering
[16:15] How to best support others in grief
[19:21] Witnessing but not absorbing the grief of others
[22:05] Aligning with Mother Teresa, Joe Biden and others
[23:56] The biggest misconceptions about grief in our culture
[25:17] A story about how everything changes after death
[27:37] Dedicating time to his own grief
[30:04] Finding meaning in public and collective grief
[33:59] David Kessler’s wish for you
[35:08] Connecting with David
[36:26] Outro
Resources Mentioned:
Standout Quotes:
“Anyone who's dealt with grief and loss knows it's not five easy steps and Elizabeth would sort of be appalled by how sort of rigid they've become. Because that was certainly never our intention.” -David Kessler [05:04]
“When people ask how long will I grieve or how long will my friend grieve you I always say the question really is, you know, how long is a person going to be dead because if they're going to be dead a long time, you're going to grieve a long time. But you can grieve eventually with more love than pain” -David Kessler[06:56]
“When people first hear this concept of meaning, they go 'there's no meaning in death.' No, there isn't. But there is meaning in the life we had with them. And there is meaning and our life after their death.” - David Kessler [08:56]
“The truth is, we die in the middle of the argument. We die in the middle of the discussion. And so that reality happens. And it catches us by surprise, but that's normal. And I always say if there's something you need to say from your heart, if you say it in your heart, they'll still hear it in theirs“ - David Kessler [17:23]
“Sometimes our work is to just see them in their pain and be with them and not try to point out that silver lining, but just say, I don't know what this is like for you. But I'm here with you. And if you want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen. And then the challenge is, can we listen without fixing?” - David Kessler [18:58]
“Living again, isn't disloyal to the people who have died. It actually honors them.” -David Kessler [25:10]
“Grief, needs dedicated time. It was a dedicated time to my grief. It wasn't so much what was said or what wasn't said. It was a dedicated time to my grief.” -David Kessler [29:51]
Connect:
Find | Sidewalk Talk
At sidewalk-talk.org
On Instagram: @sidewalktalkorg
On Twitter: @sidewalktalkorg
Find | Traci Ruble
At Traciruble.com
On Instagram: @TraciRubleMFT
On Twitter: @TraciRubleMFT
On Facebook: @TraciRubleMFT
Find | David Kessler
At Grief.com
On Instagram: @iamdavidkessler
On Twitter: @iamdavidkessler
On Facebook: @iamdavidkessler
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