Dr. Vivek Murthy On Loneliness and There Is No Shame In Feeling Lonely
One of the downsides of loneliness getting a lot of press with Dr. Vivek Murthy’s book, Together, and others, like Johan Hari’s, Lost Connections, is it can lead folks to shame their lonely feelings.
There is no shame in loneliness.
In fact, loneliness can be a really good sign. It means your human systems are letting you know you need more connection or that you need to help your brain fully see and receive the connection you have!
If you are feeling lonely right now...your systems are working. And if you don’t totally dig feeling lonely that makes total sense. The feeling motivates you to go out and get connection.
And if you are feeling lonely right now and dig the bittersweetness of it, you are not alone. Olivia Wilde’s book, The Lonely City, is a gem. You can read more about it here. For many, loneliness ushers in a kind of poetic reservoir of creativity if one can tap into their resilience while experiencing loneliness.
I have two ways I react to my own lonely feelings.
I do negative stuff with them.
Or I do positive stuff with them.
The negative stuff I do with lonely feelings includes:
I get wickedly clingy with others to the point that I am moving from a child self rather than an adult self as I mentioned a few weeks ago.
I judge that something is wrong with me for feeling this way because “normal people don’t feel lonely”.
I start looking for evidence that my lonely feelings are proof that I am actively being left out.
I “lonely scroll” on social media to amplify my feelings of not belonging or being wanted.
Ick. Not fun.
The positive stuff I do with my lonely feelings include:
I practice good coping skills to deal the negative stuff I do with feeling lonely listed above.
I prioritize connecting with old friends I really trust.
I practice mindfulness or up my meditation practice so my brain’s negativity bias that wants to see loneliness everywhere doesn’t take over.
I write love notes to myself. ( I really do this!)
I practice something called Tonglen which allows me to breathe in the pain of loneliness and breathe out relief for all those beings suffering with loneliness at the same time as me.
I practice Sidewalk Talk listening skills that listeners get when they join our organization. When I listen deeply to others I can move outside of my own self-focus and create a greater sense of belonging.
Rather than something to be controlled, lonely feelings are something to notice and be with and let them inform our choices and livelihood while at the same time not letting them rule our life. Our loneliness always deserves and requires our care and attention.
When we don’t take care of our lonely feelings and when the world doesn’t create more connection, what Dr. Murthy and Johan Hari so nimbly point out, is we create a world of illness. Mental illness. Physical illness. Addiction. Violence. Injustice. These ills start from loneliness.
Go back and listen to the podcast with Spring Washam. Life is a wild ride. Blocking feelings blocks aliveness so practicing cultivating a fierce heart to welcome in loneliness is a practice. And when we practice we impact ourselves and those around us.
I am a fan of not making any one thing we experience as a human bad. So no “war against loneliness” or “get rid of loneliness” or “end loneliness” or “loneliness is shameful” but rather let’s create a connected and caring world. Let’s start right here, right now with you. Let’s create connection and caring about all the parts of you. All the parts of me. Then we can love and care about ALL the many different kinds of people and their parts. Let’s love so much bigger than we ever imagined possible. Loneliness can make us sick or it can remind us to love.
