How Do You Create Inner and Outer Belonging?
Please take the online belonging survey (2 questions) here (or scroll to the bottom).
Something I notice is in my life is I make up stories about my own belonging. Because I have a wound around not being wanted as a tiny baby, I can get hooked from time to time.
What I now know is there are two sides to this belonging coin. In order to create more belonging in the world we have to create it not only outside, on the sidewalks, but inside of us.
Why?
If you feel like you don’t belong you will act that out and probably inadvertently make others feel like they don't belong. We have talked about common enemy intimacy or as Dr. Karyn Hall describes it, “belonging through excluding others”.
Here at Sidewalk Talk we are thinking through new ways to be a belonging creating organization. One of the great challenges is that we have to lock arms and walk together in our perseverance. We have to recognize that creating belonging is both an inside and an outside job.
For example, Sidewalk Talk, as an organization, may not be able to make someone feel like they belong if they have a wound that blocks receiving belonging and connection. The other day I was in a Facebook group and someone didn’t respond to a question of mine. Oh the "not belonging" stories I made up in my head. Ouch. I had to go into my own ‘creating belonging’ resources rather than blame or assume things about my group. Ugh, the wounds for many of us are real.
Here are Dr. Karyn Hall’s tips for creating belonging on the inside mixed in with a few of my own:
Look for similarities between you and others rather than focusing on what is different (or less than) about you. Our brains naturally want to sort what is different. But always doing that actual has us feeling like an alone outsider.
Accept others’ different ways and validate them rather than judging them as bad. Funny but the more you accept and validate others as themselves the more inner belonging you feel but you also create more outer belonging too. Our own judgment of others leaves us feeling more like an outsider. Funny to think, but it is true.
Join in. Sometimes when we have a wound around belonging, we are hesitant to join in. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that is called the pain of absence. We feel more pain about the things we avoid doing or the opportunities we miss because we believe, for example, joining in could be too painful in the present. In actuality, the pain of absence, is worse. So, join in.
Use connecting language. If our language is advice giving or somehow conveys you know more, we oddly create distance from that person, and it impacts both inner and outer belonging. This is part of the NEW Sidewalk Talk HEAR training.
Remember we are all sensitive. Often when we struggle with not belonging, we imagine ourselves to be more sensitive or weird than other people. The truth is, every human has their own sensitivities. They may not be exactly like yours but I guarantee you they are there. I am very sensitive. Leading Sidewalk Talk has been a big teacher for me to practice all of the above and remember, everyone is sensitive in their own unique way.
Set good boundaries. I know this sounds weird but if we are connecting, giving, and listening at the expense of our wellbeing we are creating more harm because we are not well. We have to be well to create belonging.
On belonging, we would love your help creating innovative and fun ways to create more internal and external belonging here at Sidewalk Talk during this quarantine.
Would you be willing to weigh in on some silly goofy ideas and add your own on this Survey Monkey Survey to create more belonging during quarantine? It is anonymous.
